Applauding Secretive Music Department Closure
(originally published in UMass Dartmouth Torch and reprinted in New Bedford Standard Times and Scrimshaw)
Good riddance to the Bachelor of Music Major at UMass Dartmouth! I would like to congratulate the administration, particularly UMD Provost Taggie and Dean of Visual and Performing Arts Taylor for finally taking a stand and canning a useless program. In this day and age, who really needs quality music? Why should we have an extensive conservatory program in music when no other college in southeastern Massachusetts has one? I am also thrilled to see you eliminating the Music Education Teacher Certification Program. I too think we should ignore the initiatives of the Massachusetts Educational Reform Act which called for a greater concentration in the arts. Why should we be the only school south of Boston to certify music teachers? Despite the rhetoric, music hardly seems like a priority in the public school system, and would best be eliminated.
My only question is why stop with music? Of course, you have other plans for cuts across the campus in the name of budgetary reallocation. While I am not an administrator, I have been on this campus for four years as a student and I think I can help you in your task.
First off you are doing a great job of alienating the students currently enrolled in the music program here. I too would ignore the Chancellor’s commitment to providing the students already here with a quality education. If you continue to cut performance classes like the Stage Band and schedule more required classes at the same time on the same day, you should be able to force out the last music stragglers within a few semesters.
Second, what if you eliminated all of the other programs on campus out of which students are unlikely to find high income jobs: political science, sociology, philosophy, art education, creative writing? Like music, all of those majors are offered at Bridgewater, so why should we keep them here?
Third, you could fire 2/3 of the faculty by having students participate in Distance Learning, lectures broadcast from distant campuses, like you are doing starting next semester with music. In fact, you could probably eliminate the rest of the faculty, since the students have to buy books anyway. Isn’t it enough for them just to read the books? Then you could hire more administrators, who would be great at proctoring exams.
Fourth, while cutting the music ed. program, why not cut the entire education department? Bridgewater has a larger department in education, and a graduate program.
Fifth, since you succeeded in avoiding financial disaster by freezing all student carry-over accounts from last year, why not freeze current semester accounts of all student organizations? Like the music program, most student organizations don’t show a profit, so maybe those funds could be better spent elsewhere.
Sixth, rather than paid early retirement, why not just fire faculty, without pension, once we are done with them? Look how well the part timers are doing in the music department and in other positions across the campus, taken on rather than hiring new full-time professors to fill those vacant spots left by early retirees. Not only do you need to pay part-timers less, but they are also ineligible for benefits.
Seventh, we could take the soon to be vacant performance and recital rooms and convert them into fish tanks in support of the stronger marine biology department.
Eighth, since the regularly scheduled events in the main auditorium rarely draw large enough crowds to show a significant profit, why not convert the auditorium into a fully functioning casino? Imagine the profit potential per square foot in there! Then you could use some of the converted fish tanks in Group VI as shrimp farms to provide a steady supply of shrimp cocktail for the gamblers. Yah, and the gamblers children could wander around the new aquarium since there will be no teachers left in the area to teach school.
Ninth, imagine the earning potential of the campus tower, a leased billboard on all 4 sides of every section.
Tenth, what if we started selling degrees? We could auction them off to the highest bidder. Or better yet, tie it into the casino by selling scratch tickets. “You may instantly win a new Ford Mustang Convertible, $10,000, or your very own Bachelor of Arts in Biology Degree!”
Eleventh, with the new casino, you will need entertainment. You can commission Angus Bailey to produce and direct dinner theater shows, works much more suited to his talents than dramatic plays and ambitious musicals. You could also convert the Campus Center into an exotic dancing complex. There are already a number of students working as exotic dancers in nearby clubs to keep up with the rising cost of tuition and fees, so you could tap an existing talent pool.
Twelfth, by giving HECC free reign, they could raise the SAT score and GPA requirements so high that not even white students could get in, thereby eliminating the need for an admissions office. “Just send us your check.”
Thirteenth, you can turn the dorms into the biggest whorehouse this side of the Mississippi, with a different sexually deviant theme in every building.
Fourteenth, you can turn the library into a nuclear waste storage facility.
Fifteenth, you can systematically fire the remaining administrators (excluding yourselves of course) and split the casino profits between yoqu so you can be the richest men in the world, spreading your glorious free market greed philosophy to the masses.
You are on the right track. As long as you continue to ignore the educational and diversity missions of the campus and stay focused on the need for profit, you will soon manage to alienate the entire student body, faculty and surrounding community. See you at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth Chancellor Peter Cressy Memorial Craps Table!
-Derek Breen
Senior, Humanities Social Science University of Massachusetts Dartmouth
218 Huttleston Ave
Fairhaven, MA 02719
(508)984-1986
poohbear@ultranet.com